first off, when i start thinking … it’s never a good thing.

but i realized, i lost the caring part of me, the nicer side of me, the me that has been dominant for years and my trust and also my friends the day of my uncles benefit night last year in July.

this was the one event that meant everything to me. i invited all of my ‘best’ friends to come and support me and most importantly my uncle in his battle with cancer. i had already been dealing with getting kicked out of my house and i just needed the support of my friends to help me get by. even if it was for a couple of minutes. 

the entire day of the benefit, i looked everywhere to see one of my friends come through the doors to come and see me, give me a hug, meet my uncle, etc. 

not one single person came.

none of my ‘best’ friends were there for me. 

after that day, everything went to shit. my life. my social life. my care. my dignity. my confidence. everything.

just thinking about it makes me want to jump off a cliff and die. 

that was the biggest blow of my life. that is something i honestly will never be able to get over. i will never be able to forgive those people because of that. that gave me the realization that i’m really not important or a big deal in anybody’s life like they say. i’m just a shoulder to cry on when they need it. but nothing else. just a fucking stump post used for their needs. 

so yeah. there’s my thoughts for the night.